I hear You in the wind and in bird calls. I hear You in prayer and in worship. I hear You in Your Word and in truth. I hear You in laughter and in tears. I hear You in music and in silence.

I see You in the sun, the moon, the stars, and in nature. I see You in smiles and in children. I see You in miracles and in healing. I see You in beauty and in acts of love, sacrifice, and service.

I feel You in sunlight and in heat. I feel You in the wind and in rain. I feel You in the ocean, in the desert, and in the wilderness. I feel You in sleep and in my dreams. I feel You in hope and in acts of faith. I feel You in heartache and in joy. I feel You in dreams, in art, and in love.

I serve You in worship and in prayer. I serve You in fasting and in celebration. I serve You in my job. I serve You in my talents and gifts. I serve You in obedience and in faith. I serve You when I love.

I love You in faith and obedience. I love You in worship and in truth. I love You in acts of service and generosity. I love You in thankfulness and kindness. I love You when I love others.

You hear me in prayer, in tears, in hope, and in mercy, in grace, and in the Holy Spirit.

You see me in the face of Jesus, in truth, and in love.

You serve me with every breath, through the Holy Spirit, in Jesus, and in every moment.

I feel You in the blood of Jesus and in the power of life and love.

You love me in Christ and in the Holy Spirit. You love me in truth and lies. You love me in righteousness and in sin. You love me in life and in death. You love me through Your Word and with all Your heart. You love me because You are love.

You hear me and I hear You. You see me and I see You. You feel me and I feel You. You serve me and I serve You. You love me and I love You.

Thank You, Lord. Thank You for hearing, seeing, feeling, serving, and loving me. Thank You for the truth and for salvation. Thank You for Your Word and Your hope. Thank You for teaching and disciplining me. Thank You for faith and for You, Lord, for Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Thank You.

You ARE my God and my Lord. You ARE my Redeemer and my Salvation. You ARE Warrior and Prince. You ARE the Lion and the Lamb. You ARE Truth and Peace. You Are the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley. You ARE Yeshua Adonai. You are El Shaddai and El Elohim. You are my Friend and my Father. You ARE love.

Testimony: New Creation, Grace, and Healing!

4/9/11

Background

          For those who are not aware of the recent struggles I’ve had, here’s a brief summary to give you some background.  I am a born again Christian who loves the Lord and have been growing in my walk and learning much about the Lord’s ways since the tender age of 16. However, much of that time has been punctuated with alternating periods of trying to live my faith in my own strength, and living unrighteously in “backslidden” seasons.  

During those backslidden seasons I would run to “idols” (e.g. vain and empty objects) to comfort my flesh and ease my emotional and spiritual pain.  From a young age I distracted myself from my pain by reading books and watching movies and television. As a teenager I was battling severe depression; and I coped with idols like smoking cigarettes daily, sneaking alcohol, and gratifying lust with romance novels and secretly watching porn.  By the time I was in college I escalated to using marijuana daily (and other drugs “recreationally”,) as well as indulging strongholds of lust and self-mutilation. After college I escalated even further to worshipping idols by smoking weed and cigarettes, drinking, eating pills, cutting, lusting… Once I was high I would bury my head in movies to forget my pain and stop obsessive thoughts about how much I hated myself and what a loser I was.  

I would hear God calling me and drawing me out of these backslidden seasons, and I would return to church and again start trying to live righteously for God.  However, all my efforts to live for God were born out of my own strength.  Eventually condemnation would consume me over my sin, and I would turn back to those idols to comfort myself. I would get drunk and watch movies on Saturday, Sunday I was in church silently berating myself and crying out to God to help me, and by Tuesday I’d be hating myself so much I’d be drinking or compulsively burying me head in movies and books again.  

About 3 years ago I began seriously battling with emotional strongholds (“giants”) of condemnation, self-hatred, discouragement, and despair.  These were the same giants I battled since I was a young girl.  Eventually I became so overwhelmed with my strongholds and with condemnation, I found myself more frequently running FROM God in shame and fear, rather than running to HIM with my struggles. I felt so consumed with condemnation and self-hatred that I began drinking and running to those aforementioned idols more and more frequently to try to numb the pain.  (Of course, as many of you know, seeking fulfillment by drinking from broken cisterns and worshipping idols doesn’t numb the pain or solve problems; but instead, only adds to one’s difficulties and unhappiness, and increases bondages.)  Before long I felt completely defeated and powerless to stop worshipping those idols.  No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t stop drinking, binge eating, using pills, lusting, and running to any and every fleshly comfort.

So, after continuing to spiral downward emotionally and spiritually, I agreed to go to a Christian “rehab center” to try to get freedom from my addictions.  After two months at the program I had run out of my own strength.  I was hurting badly and knew I desperately needed HIS grace, but I didn’t know how to receive it. So, predictably, I ran from God and my struggles and left the program believing the LIE that I was a total failure who would always be in bondage to sin. 

I moved in with my older sister until I found a job and I was financially stable enough to live on my own again. I got a job “fishing;” that is, I went back to what I knew and was familiar with- working with “troubled” youth. But by then I had begun a season of living as a “prodigal” child. Every time I tried going to church or praying I just felt angry and separated from God in the sin I refused to let go of.  I was mad at God, because I blamed Him for my own mistakes and failures and refused to take accountability for my actions.

I stopped drinking for about 6 months on my own strength, but I began to be really depressed and started up again shortly thereafter.  I got treatment for the depression; but I was so consumed with condemnation I still kept running to my idols to numb the pain. I continued living backslidden for 18 months, struggling with God all the way.  I felt isolated and lonely, living only to work and refusing to acknowledge my faith.  As anyone who has tasted the goodness of the Lord and then tried to walk away can tell you, it doesn’t really work.  I was miserable and knew I had to get over my anger and loneliness and come back to God. 

Testimony

          In March of this year I finally reached a point where I decided to humble myself and truly repent to God for my sins.  I began praying, acknowledging my complete POWERLESSNESS and inability to stop drinking and sinning; and then I acted on the four-fold revelation God gave me earlier that week: 1) Acknowledge my powerlessness. 2) Acknowledge HIS power and strength. 3) Submit to God. 4) Pick up my cross and follow HIM! That same week, in the first outpouring of HIS grace and love, my heavenly Father completely removed the condemnation and self-hatred that had tormented me since I was 9 years old!  

From that night on I committed to follow those 4 steps. I also decided to get rid of my “idols” by laying them at the foot of the cross, submitting to God, resisting the enemy, and stepping out in faith to fight my “giants”.  And since that night in March, God has poured out His grace in a powerful way that I had never before experienced.   As I continued to practice those four steps and lay down my idols at the foot of the cross, suddenly God was pouring out His grace and enabling me to do what I had never been able to do before; and, for the first time in my life I’m FREE of them!  The temptation to drink or use pot, bury my head in movies and books, binge eat, etc… are nominal compared to my hunger and craving for God.  For the first time in my life I’m not trying to walk out my faith in my own strength, and by God’s grace I’m able to daily pick up my cross, deny my flesh, and follow after Jesus FREE of the weights and sins that previously conquered me!

          God has set me on fire for Him again.  I’m completely obsessed with praying, journaling, reading and studying His Word, worshipping and praising Him, and spending time with Him.  I’m so hungry for His presence and so longing to please Him that the thought of purposely sinning by picking up those idols again truly grieves my soul.  God is giving me massive revelation of the power of sin to destroy; and I’m also finally beginning to understand what it means to live by GRACE.   An example would be when the Lord told me I need to treat my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit; and without me even consciously trying to change, He poured out His grace and I started exercising regularly, eating healthily, and even fasting. (And anyone who knows me and my past hatred for exercise along with my love affair with food, knows I’m only able to do that by God’s abundant grace!)

          April 6^th of this year I had come home from work, and was spending time with the Lord in the secret place.  I was sitting on His lap, my head just resting against His chest and listening to His heart beat.  He began to speak and gave me a word related to a future ministry of what He called “healing in word and deed”... 

     Then He told me He was “marking” me as proof and a testimony by pouring out on me what He called a “total body overhaul”! Now I’m not familiar with automobile terms, but I knew generally that meant significant repairs!  Before I could even think about it the Lord healed my back, hip, and leg from sciatica that had kept me in significant pain the last 8 months!  Then He healed my stomach of three ulcers!  Then he healed my knees that had torn cartilage and bones grinding together! Then He healed my throat that was constricted from a past tonsillectomy!  He told me He was even healing my migraines and food allergies! It’s been three days and my body feels like it did when I was a teenager.  I’m still struggling to conceive the magnitude of His gracious blessings! I’d never even heard of God healing someone’s entire body of various ailments, much less experienced it; but it’s increased my faith and I’m believing for my mother to be healed next.

I know it’s not been long since I’ve repented and run back home to the Father, but I really can’t imagine turning back.  God has given me a new level of revelation about the power of sin to steal, kill, and destroy as well as an even greater revelation about the power of HIS grace to live victorious in Christ.  This new revelation of HIS grace has empowered me to win the battle over “giants” I have been battling since I was as young as 9 years old.  This new level of freedom has given me SO MUCH appreciation for the love, fear, and power of God to consider wearing another yoke of slavery. 

I know that as long as I continue to humbly submit to God, resist the enemy, pick up my cross, and step out in faith I will continue to remain victorious in Christ from the “giants” that used to torment me and keep me living in discouragement, depression, and fear.  It’s by HIS grace that I will continue to stand firm in Christ (Gal 5:1)! 

Thank you Lord, for the inheritance (healing, blessing, salvation, redemption, reconciliation, sanctification, justification, victory, grace…) that You freely give us in Christ Jesus!  Thank You, Father, for revealing to me the power of grace and the truth of my new life in Christ! I truly am a new creation!

                                         Love,

                                                   Your daughter,

                                                                        Amy S. Baynes

True Repentance!

3/26/11

          Thank You God,

          Thank You for establishing saints like Charles Finney, John G. Lake, smith Wigglesworth, Heidi Baker, T.L. Osborn, Apostle Paul, and many other saints, who likely go unhailed and unnoticed by much of the world throughout the annals of time. Thank You for their testimonies of Your touch and how You changed their lives.

          Those testimonies make me long for You like never before (found in Bill Johnson’s book “Face to Face with God”). They make me hunger for a similar touch from You, God. I long for Your fire to fall, Lord! I long for Your Holy Spirit to fall upon me in power, that I may be purified in the blood, totally free of condemnation, powerfully anointed to preach and minister and heal; and most of all so awash in Your love and glory that my deepest desire would be for You to touch the world in the same manner.

          I beg of You, Most Holy God, baptize me with fire, Lord! Thank You for Your baptism of the Spirit that opened my eyes and gave me tongues. Baptize me in Your fire, Your love, and Your blood, Lord! Baptize me in Your presence that I may be changed forever! Anoint me so in Your presence (like Charles Finney) that people fall at Your feet into repentance and salvation as I walk near. Yes Lord! I’m so hungry for You!(Let this baptism be continual if it needs to be, Lord, until You have completed the work You began in me).

          I’m sick of the devil’s schemes and of my sin! I’m sick of everything that holds me back and keeps me from drawing near to You! Rid me of those things once and for all, Lord, I beg of You!

          Rid me of condemnation, self-hatred, fear, doubt, discouragement, selfishness, rebellion, lust, and every sin that hinders and kills! Purify me, Lord! Give me revelation of your justification, righteousness, love, holiness, and sanctification! Set me free lord! Rid me of this stinking sin!

          Pour out Your blood, Lord! Pour out Your presence into me, into my life, into my family, and into this world, I pray! Mold me in Your image Lord! Help me to pick up my cross daily; and to do it with joy, that I may count any sacrifice worth it, any suffering worth it for the joy of knowing You!

          God, let love be my motivation for pursuing You, and for the grace to live righteously, walking by faith. Let it be not be out of obligation.  I pray You touch me so that one of my deepest desires is to live to please You, God! Come, fill me Holy Spirit! Fill me! I pray You empower me to heal and minister and live in power, Lord! It’s only by Your grace that I have faith, live righteously, and obey You.  It’s only by Your grace that I receive, believe, and live Your Word and Your way.

          Jesus, You are the Truth, the Way, and the Life. It’s all You, Lord! Give me the grace to be totally humble and emptied of self, that I may be overwhelmingly filled by You.

          Wretched human that I am! I am powerless and filled with sin, Lord! It’s only by Your grace and Your blood that I live! I cry for more grace lord! I cry for more of You, Lord! More love, more faith, more hope, more grace, more righteousness, more of Your presence God! I cry for more of You, God! Overwhelm me! Overcome me! Kill me Lord, so only You remain, until I am left with the person You destined and created me to be! I don’t want to wait until I lay down this vessel to be made perfect.  I cry, make my heart, my mind, my soul perfect in You, Oh God!

Make me perfect in Christ! Perfect me in Christ! Perfect me in Christ!

          Pour out Your Spirit, Your grace, Your mercy, Your faith, Your love, Oh Lord! Pour out all You dare to give me Lord! Pour out all I can handle until I am dead to all but You, Oh God!

          I am a pitiful creature, Lord! I am poor and needy, bound by sin and by the enemy. Make me new in Christ! Pour out Your truth and give me the grace to receive it by faith! Pour out Your faith, God! Set me free in Christ by Your truth! Empty me of the lies that bind me and keep me from receiving and believing Your truth! I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

          All the things that crush my spirit, set me free of them Lord! Free me to live (totally and completely) perfect for You! Perfect me in Christ! I hunger and thirst for You, a starving woman!

          I pray a total and permanent release from the lies and captivity of sin! Your blood, Your truth, Your faith, Your grace, Your revelation can do that lord! You can do that Lord!

          Feed me with Your Word, unbind me with Your truth, was me (totally, mind and heart) in Your blood. Sanctify me by Your Spirit and pour out Your mercy, Lord.

Struggling With Giants..and a Lovingly Powerful Rebuke!

 3/17/11

            I can feel pride coming off me in waves.  I can feel the anger in me hiding below the surface.  Why do I never learn? Why am I so ridiculously stubborn?  I keep saying, “Forgive me, Lord” but it isn’t sincere. Part of me doesn’t expect forgiveness or freedom from sin.  There is no sincere repentance in me, because I don’t turn from my sin. I continue to live my way.

            I continue to drink, self-gratify, watch movies, and read books to comfort my flesh. I continue to hate myself. I continue to be angry with You for my circumstances, blaming You instead of taking accountability for my actions. I continue to punish myself and live in condemnation. I continue to push You away and reject Your love because I am unworthy.

            Deal with that lie, Lord! Deal with me on that lie that I am unworthy. You value me enough to wash me in Your Son’s precious blood! Your Son’s blood makes me worthy! The high price of my redemption makes me valuable!  Help me to make that head knowledge a statement of faith and to embrace it in my heart Lord!

            Help me, Lord Jesus, to put my hope in You instead of relying on myself.  Help me to stop being discouraged with my continuous sin, Lord! Help me to submit and walk by faith.

            I keep believing lies, Lord! I keep getting discouraged with myself and giving up on me, accepting my sin, and running from You in shame. Help me to believe the truth Lord! I don’t even know what the truth is to overcome my sin, that’s how entrenched the lie is in me, God! Please, Lord, give me the grace to receive the truth by faith so I can walk in freedom!

            Please Father! Please help me to truly walk in freedom and deny my flesh. Help me to crucify my flesh because it is so strong it dominates me daily! I desperately need You, God!

            I submit to You, God! I acknowledge my sins, my mistakes, my weaknesses, and my failures.  I acknowledge I can’t stop living to my flesh! I acknowledge I don’t know how to stop. I acknowledge my desperate need for You and my total discouragement with myself.  I acknowledge I feel so condemned and unworthy that I run from Your love. I feel so discouraged I run from Your reign over me.

            I kneel at the cross tonight, Lord, and I cry out to You.  “HELP ME LORD JESUS!” Rid me of the lies, Lord! You have chased me down in my rebellion and rid me of my good things (family, friends, church, car) so I would depend only on You. Instead I have tried to find fulfillment in fleshly comforts.  There is no comfort, no peace, no fulfillment to be found in my flesh.  Still I drink from empty cisterns.  Still I defy You, rebel, and worship those idols!

            Forgive me, Father! Forgive me for rebelling, defying You to Your face and provoking You. Forgive me for loving those idols and not loving You! Forgive me for living like a pagan when I know better.  Forgive my adultery, Lord! Forgive me for not being faithful to You, God! Forgive me for continuing to fight You, Abba!

            I continue to wrestle You, even when You have touched my hip (just like Jacob). Forgive me for running from You over and over again! I give up, Lord! I’m sick of the same sins: Rebellion, self-hatred, fear, condemnation, idolatry, pride… I’m sick of fighting the same giants, Lord! I desperately need You to fight my giants, Daddy! They have defeated me time and again.

         My hope rests in You, Lord Jesus! Fight for me, Father! I give up! I don’t want to run from You anymore.  I don’t want to be beaten down and destroyed by my giants anymore! I don’t want to die in the wilderness, defeated by pharaoh!

            I submit to You, Father. I am powerless over my sins! Help me, Father! Don’t let me be devoured, Lord! I am dry, weary, poor, and naked. I am hopeless and helpless, Lord! Help me Father! Overcome the self-hatred, fear, and hopelessness devouring me, God!

            I need You, God! I need You!

Beloved, as Christ is the King of glory, Lord of all creation, and my precious Son whom I adore, I tell you the truth:

            Hear Me, Beloved. Hear Me! I AM the King of glory! I AM the Lion! I AM clothed in righteousness. I AM the Holy One, God Almighty!

            You are not beyond My help. You are not lost. You are not too far gone. I am not disappointed in you, Amy. I know you’re tired of wrestling your demons.  You gave up on yourself awhile back. I have led you here because I absolutely refuse to give up on you, Amy. I refuse to give up on you. You are My precious one. You are My daughter. You don’t believe you can defeat these giants, so you have submitted to them.

            Now it is my turn, Beloved. Now it’s time to watch Me go before you, destroying your enemies. Now’ it’s time to submit to Me. Now it’s time to learn to die to your flesh daily. It isn’t fun. It won’t feel good. But when you take up your cross daily and follow after Me, I will SO BLESS you in return. Do not be afraid, for I AM with you! I Am Immanuel! Now is the time.

            I want you to take a step further. You have been acknowledging you are powerless over sin. Now after acknowledging it, SUBMIT!

1.       Acknowledge your powerlessness

2.     Acknowledge My power and strength

3.      Submit to Me

4.     Pick up your cross and follow Me

Don’t die in your sins! Don’t admit defeat! Don’t fear those giants! Follow Me! Get right! You overcome in Christ! You live in Christ! You were redeemed in Christ!

            Of course you can’t overcome the enemy yourself! I never asked you to. You are a slave to what you obey! When you obey idols, they enslave you. So now obey Me! Be a slave to Christ that you may be free!

Choose to be a slave to Christ, you cannot have two masters!

You are powerless! Christ is powerful! SUBMIT, Beloved. Humble yourself so that He will exalt you.

I will never give up on you, Amy. Lay your sins at the cross. I flow through you only when you submit to Me.

            Beloved, hear Me.  I Am your King! I Am your God! I Am the Sovereign, Holy One above! I AM God Almighty!

            No more will you give in to the enemy! No more will pharaoh enslave you! You are powerless in yourself. You are powerful in Christ!

            Keep reading Romans. Read how the Israelites defeated their giants. Fear is contrary to faith. You must not fear. I AM with you. I fight for You, but you must stay in a position of humility.

            Your hope is in Me. Your peace is in Me. Your strength is in Me. Your life is in Me. Your flesh died when you were baptized. Don’t resurrect your flesh in idolatry. You lift your idols and I will knock them down! There is none above Me. NONE. I AM King. Acknowledge my rightful place. Let me be your King. Worship Me only. There are no other gods before Me, Amy. I AM jealous for you.

            Submit to Me, and only to Me. Submit to no other. Yield to no idol. Give no ground to any enemy. You are a child of light. Walk in My righteousness. Walk in Me. Believe in Me. Hope in Me. Trust in Me.

            You have yielded to fleshly desires long enough. Your flesh has grown strong as a result. So it will hurt to crucify your flesh. But you must be merciless to your flesh. Live to the Spirit. Renew your mind. Focus on heavenly things. Worship Me. Submit to Me. Trust Me.

            Amy, you have to quit running from Me. You run and I will pursue you. You ran from Agape when the pain from killing your flesh was too great. I chased you. You wrestled Me. You lost. You are finally giving up and giving in to Me instead of giving in to your lovers (like Gomer). Now I am demanding your faithfulness and love. I refuse to give up on you. You are mine. I am claiming what’s mine.

          Yield to Me, Beloved. Let Me love you. Let Me in your heart. Let Me show you how to live righteously, blamelessly, in Christ. Let Me be your King. Let Me be your Groom. Let Me show you how to be faithful.

                                                            I love you,

                                                                                    -ABBA.

Come

Come

There is no sin

Too great to forgive,

For the one who truly repents.

For even repentance comes by grace.

Look upon the cross

With unveiled eyes and find

Forgiveness waits to touch you.

Look upon the cross

With unveiled eyes and see

Love staring back at you.

Look upon the cross

With unveiled eyes and find

My grace lifting you to the Father.

Come and kneel at the cross.

Come and leave your bondages, weights and sins.

Here you will find forgiveness, freedom,

Redemption, and a new life.

Come into the tent of meeting

To worship and praise

In the Father’s presence.

Praise His holiness, righteousness, and glory.

Here you will find answer to your prayer-

Healing, blessing, hope, joy, provision,

And His transforming touch.

Listen closely to My speech

And you will always hear

My whispered words of loving kindness and wisdom.

Listen intently with open heart and hands

And you will receive My many blessings

Poured out upon you,

Whom I love.

Come and sit studiously before the Lord

And find truth, wisdom, and revelation

Poured generously into your open palms

Like precious golden nugget and silver coin.

Come before the fountain

And drink the water of life

That pours from the Spirit of God.

Feel it refresh and replenish you-

Body, soul, and spirit.

Drink and never thirst again.

Hold My hand and walk with Me

And I will take you to the throne.

Here you will find the Father

Smiling lovingly with expectant arms

Outstretched wide, waiting

For His sons and daughters to embrace Him.

As He holds you He speaks gently,

Welcoming you into His arms always,

And anytime you seek His comfort and love.

Come and rest in His loving embrace.

Here you will find rest for your weary soul,

Comfort for your grieving,

And peace for the cares of life.

Come,

Hear the Holy Spirit.

Walk hand in hand with Jesus

And Know the Father’s unconditional

And free gift of love.

We wait for you with outstretched arms.

Come.

Journal: Beginnings of Repentance

11/1/10

When I awoke tonight You told me to read Psalm 56 and Proverbs 3. What struck me when I read Proverbs was Your reminder about trusting You. (Proverbs 3:4-8) “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes: Fear (revere, respect) the Lord and turn away from evil, It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.”

You told me to read Psalm 32, and reminded me of all Your benefits when I acknowledge and confess my sins and trust in You...You save me, deliver me, shelter me, and surround me with loving-kindness when I trust in You. You are my Hiding Place, Lord. When I continued to sin and run to lusts of the flesh, my stomach was eaten up with ulcers from the bitter taste of guilt and shame.  I acknowledge my sin to You and confessed my transgressions. I truly repented and I desire to change Lord. As soon as I repented and prayed for healing my bleeding ulcer stopped hurting.  I’m believing You will continue to heal me, Lord.  I pray for the amazing grace to turn from my sin, resist temptation, and seek instead to have You fulfill my needs.  I need intimacy and turned instead to the counterfeit of lust. I sought relief from loneliness and discontentment and turned to empty cisterns like weed, beer, movies, and books. I pray You will be my shelter and my Hiding Place amidst the storm.

I love You, Lord. I don’t love you with even an inkling of what You deserve to be loved, but I do love You, Lord.  I pray You fill me with Your love, so I can love You even more. Give me the grace to run to You and away from sin. Help me to trust in You and not in empty cisterns like lusts of the flesh. I pray I continue to find my peace in You, God, and not in the world.  Help me to draw near to You, Father, and to find contentment in You. ..

I humble myself and remember that I desperately need You, God.  I need everything from You.  I need everything from my next breath, to peace and hope and love. Thank You, Lord, for reminding me of exactly how much I need You...     

Lord, by Your grace and love, and in the name of Your precious Son Jesus Christ, I surrender myself to You: I’m choosing to let go of the past and I’m surrendering it to You. I give You my wounds, fears, and rebellious spirit. Forgive me God, for rebelling against You; and I pray for the grace to continually submit to You in love and trust. Circumcise this rebellious heart of mine and never let it return, I pray.

I give You my shame and guilt and self-hatred... I give You my condemnation… and the guilt that still eats at me. I give You my condemnation from lusts of the flesh. I pray You give me the grace to turn from fleshly lusts and to seek to fulfill my need for intimacy in You, God. Lust doesn’t satisfy. Intimacy with You, God, fills me with Your love and acceptance and deeply satisfies. Help me never to forget that truth, Lord...Only You can fill my empty soul, remove loneliness, and give me the desires of my heart...

I surrender to You my guilt and condemnation and anger over leaving the rehab program...Forgive me for fleeing in fear and becoming the “prodigal child”.   I choose, this morning, to freely humble myself and submit to You. I desperately need You, Father. I desperately need Your love, peace, hope, and grace. 

I surrender to You my two deepest hearts’ desires, my future, and my destiny... I also desire to be a woman of God who serves and ministers to help others and glorify YOU. Forgive me for being afraid of my destiny as a child of God. Forgive me for entertaining doubts about my future.  I submit to You and trust You to fulfill the dreams and calling You have conceived in me. I believe You will fulfill the desires of my heart and bring me into my promised land.

I pray You give me the grace to walk in love, trust, and obedience so that Your will may be done in me and in OUR life. I say our life because I don’t want to live apart from You ever again. I pray You resurrect the dead dreams and desires of my heart, and renew my hope in You, God. Forgive me for expecting that I am to carry out the calling You have given me. Continually remind me that only You can do the impossible things You have called me to do. All things are possible IN CHRIST.

I surrender to You my fears, Lord... I give You my struggles with self-loathing and condemnation.  I can’t beat those giants, God, and I pray You will beat them, Lord.  I give You those fears and pray You give me the grace to wholeheartedly trust You. I pray I can find my peace in You and that You remove those fears. Give me the grace to face my giants and to overcome them.

I surrender to You my present.  I give You my current struggles.  I give You all my worldly possessions and finances.  I don’t have much, but what I do have, it is Yours. It was all Yours anyway, because You give me everything...

I give You my mind, Lord.  I ask You to renew my mind and give me the grace to focus, God. Give me the grace to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I give You my heart, God. Circumcise it and do with it what You will.  I trust You to take care of my heart. I pray I never lose that trust, Lord.  I give You my body and I ask You to heal it and give me the discipline and self-control to take care of it properly... I give You my spirit and soul and trust You to do with them as You will, Father in heaven. 

I give You my family and my worries, God... 

I give You all that I am and all that I have. I pray that as You reveal any parts of me that I haven’t willingly surrendered to You, You grace me to surrender them to You. Help me to continually surrender all to You, Father.  I love You, Lord.

Belovéd, you are My precious daughter whom I adore. I love you just as much as I love My Son, Jesus Christ. As Jesus is Lord and Savior and King over all creation, I tell you the truth, Amy. I know that loneliness, fear, and despair were crushing your soul, Belovéd. I want you to do your best to remember the peace that surrounds you when you draw near to Me.  I want you to come before the throne of grace with confidence.

Beloved, you know you are not perfect. I know you are not perfect. I do not expect you to be perfect. That is why I sent My Son, Who is perfect, to be your perfection. Draw near to the throne of grace, knowing that your sin is GONE- washed away by His precious blood. You are clean, Belovéd. Don’t be afraid or hesitant to draw near to Me, because I love you too much for you to continue running from Me...

I want to know that I mean more to you than even your deepest hearts’ desire. I know that it is difficult being alone right now. Keep coming to me and I will fill the lonely places in you, Amy. 

You don’t value your job, family, or possessions over Me. I want you to remember your priorities. I want you to work on valuing Me more than you value your own desires for family, and more than you value comfort. I want to have ALL of your heart, Belovéd.

I am glad that you have repented and turned back to Me. I know you have missed Me, even as I know I have missed you more.  I miss that time spent with you, Belovéd.  I have missed your prayers and your worship.  I love you, Amy. Don’t give up when the going gets tough. Keep seeking your peace and contentment in Me.  I am called the Prince of Peace for a reason, Belovéd. Keep finding your Hiding Place in Me, Belovéd. Let me be your shelter. Find your contentment in Me, Belovéd, even when your life isn’t what you’ve wanted.

Amy, I want you to practice rebuking thoughts of comparison. I have called you to be you, Amy, and no one else... I want you to accept yourself. I want you to stop hating yourself for whom you think you are or are not, and what you think you are or are not. You are who you are for a reason; and as you accept yourself, you can come to Me with confidence.  When you come to Me, you begin to reflect My glory and become more like My Son.  As you become more like Jesus, you will love yourself.  Be patient with what you don’t like about yourself, and allow yourself to be molded in My Son’s image. When you hate yourself, you run from Me and nothing changes. Stop running and start accepting, Belovéd.

Part of why you lust is because then you can fantasize you are accepted and loved... As you begin to accept yourself and your life as it is RIGHT NOW, (and as you know the truth that you are accepted and love),that is when you will experience being content with Me and with yourself. 

Make ME your deepest desire, Belovéd, and you will be fulfilled and content no matter your circumstances.

Meditate on that last statement, Belovéd, and as you accept it you will understand the truth of My words.  I love you, Amy. 

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus… for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance. I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry; both of having abundance and suffering need.  (The secret is that) I can do all things through Him who strengthens me… And my God shall fulfill every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:6-7, 11-13,19)

Your peace surrounds me as I pray to You and trust in You. The secret of finding contentment in every circumstance is knowing every good thing I do is in YOU, Jesus.  It is You I seek, You I trust, You I need, You abide in me, You move in me, and Your will is done in my life.  You are my God and you give me all I need (not all I want, but all I need). You tell me to do something and as I submit and obey, it is really You who does it.  I participate with You as You move. You strengthen me to do whatever it is You ask, for I can do nothing. 

Above all, it is You I need. When You are my #1 priority, I am content in all circumstances.  When I have Your presence, Your love, Your peace, Your hope, Your grace… then I am content. My relationship with You makes me content. Only You.

Journal: Coming Back Home (part 2)

10/31/10

Thank You, Lord, for letting me off work early so I could attend church. I went to both services because I miss worshipping You so much…

I definitely need to resurrect, renew, and grow in faith. You reminded me that without faith it is impossible to please You.  I need faith to believe You will do the impossible things in and for me.  I need faith to be able to obey.  I need faith to start walking up the mountain and be willing to sacrifice my dreams, goals, visions, callings, and destiny to You. I need faith to believe You will send the ram (the substitute or provision) up the other side of the mountain as I go.  I need faith to surrender all I am and all I have to You.

I also noticed when I got home that I didn’t feel that overwhelming loneliness crushing me like usual. While I was at church and communing with You, You filled that lonely spot in me and I was content. I asked You to forgive me for trying to fill my need for intimacy with the counterfeit of lust. I asked You to forgive me for running to weed and alcohol and movies to ignore my unhappy reality. I pray You forgive me and give me the grace and self-control not to entertain lusts of the flesh. I pray You take away the desire to run to those things.  Help me to walk in the Spirit so I won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh.  I most sincerely pray You take away my desires to lust, smoke weed, and drink.

You had Pastor Garcia ask during the sermon, “What are you withholding from God?” I know I withhold a lot from You, and then I expect You to change me when I haven’t given You that area of my heart or that struggle. Give me the grace to surrender all to You, Lord.

Journal: Coming Back Home (part 1)

10/10/10

I’m not really sure what happened today at GraceWorld Church. Tim Hines is a preacher in the office of a prophet. When he started the sermon- which was filled with revelatory words, the Holy Spirit in me went off the chain. That isn’t new. It seems that being around anyone anointed in the office of prophet seems to stir the prophetic gifting in me to a crazy- strong level. My right hand was shaking worse than the rest of me because of the Spirit. What does that mean Lord, for my right hand to shake like that?

I felt like You reached into me and dusted off my destiny and breathed new life into it. I remembered that dream I had last year about having an abortion and being ashamed. I feel like that baby was symbolic of a spiritual gift, calling, or maybe even the God-given destiny I’d given up on...  I felt like You had breathed life into that premature infant after it died. Did You resurrect something in me today, Lord, after it was dead over a year?

I know that I felt like the prophetic gifting in me died after I left VA. The shame I’ve felt since leaving VA and the program was the same as that in the dream- intense...Yet, I can’t deny You spoke to that dead place inside me and revived it. What should I do, Lord? 

You touched me today, Father, in an intimate and powerful way, but to what end? Help me to come back to You, Lord. I’m the prodigal daughter and I’m wandering aimlessly.  I’m lost and I can’t find my way back home.  Help me find my way back to You, Lord.  Give me the faith to believe I don’t have to seek solace in marijuana, alcohol, t.v., lust, and books.  Help me to stop isolating and to get plugged into church. Help me, Lord. Please give me a clue as to what direction I need to head in to get back on the right path.

You started something in me today, Lord; and, I pray you complete the work You have begun in me. Forgive me my many sins, Lord, and help me to truly repent.  Help me to turn away from my sins and overcome this obsessive and powerful urge to run and hide from reality. 

I don’t know what You did today, Father, but I felt like a missing limb has been reattached.  For a brief two hours I felt almost normal again. For a few wonderful minutes I wasn’t lost in that continual state of ambivalence and bitterness. I wasn’t hating myself and feeling the crushing heartache of loneliness in that moment of respite. For a few precious minutes I was free of the chains that bind me, and it was glorious.  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You for blessing me that way.

Help me to find my way back home to You again.  Help me to stay and hide in the secret place in Your shadow, Lord Almighty. Help me to get back to normal, where I’m not handicapped and paralyzed by the bonds of my own sin and fears. Help me Lord Jesus!

Hope Lay Dying

The full moon illumines my darkness,

While the trees dance and sway in the wind.

Hope deep within lay dying

As my heart doubts love will extend.

Yet my spirit deep within whispers

“Refuse to give in to despair,”

Even as the roar of solitude

deafens my ear.

Guide me back to my destiny

Oh radiant Spirit in the night.

For over distant mountains

The sun soon rises to burst into incandescing flame.

With the blaze flames anew my desire

For a future-

 Once held insubstantial,

Rises high in my heart once more.

Will I overcome fear and failure

To believe in love once again?

Lord, don’t let disappointment kill my desires

For hope, faith, and love I will live

Heartache

The daily rain is upon us again; it washes away the mundane, leaving me with the thoughts I try so futilely to ignore.  Here I am again. I’m drunk so I don’t have to think about what a failure I am; and I am stoned so I can slightly relax. Thunder vibrates in the distance and I wish I was back in Christiansburg with my family. The rain pours down in a peaceful melody, flooding my mind with a deluge of memories.  My heart beats rhythmically, dancing in time to the drumming heartache.  My hand moves to cover my chest, for each time my heart beats I feel as if it may rip in two. Tha-wump... “I-hurt”…Tha-wump… “I’m-alone”…Tha-wump, tha-wump. “I ruined my life”… Tha-wump.  Sometimes I’m lucky and my heart skips a beat.

I sleep only when I can stay awake no longer; or when the lure of sweet, mind-numbing unconsciousness draws me into fitful slumber.  I awake after dreams of aimlessly wandering nowhere and running from…something as yet unidentified.  Some mornings I cry when I awake to realize this really is my life, and not the dream it so frequently feels like. I can’t accept my life here.

I bury my head in books and movies, vicariously living the adventures I fear I may never have.  Where is that teenager who fought grown men in martial arts tournaments? Where is the girl who white-water rafted and loved each minute? Where is the girl who roller-bladed through life?  Where is the girl who bullied the bullies?   Where is the girl who found her soul and her salvation only in Him?  Where has that lively and vivacious woman-child gone?  Who is this distant and cynical woman I’ve become?

Have another beer.  Smoke another bowl. You haven’t found the answers here. Try again. Maybe this time. At least your brain is foggy. You don’t have  to think about it…

I’m tired.  I’m lonely.  Hope evades me. Lust invades me.  I crave intimacy, relationship, and value.   I want to return to my family in Christ. I’m alone here….Help me, somehow, Lord.