Journal: Coming Back Home (part 1)

10/10/10

I’m not really sure what happened today at GraceWorld Church. Tim Hines is a preacher in the office of a prophet. When he started the sermon- which was filled with revelatory words, the Holy Spirit in me went off the chain. That isn’t new. It seems that being around anyone anointed in the office of prophet seems to stir the prophetic gifting in me to a crazy- strong level. My right hand was shaking worse than the rest of me because of the Spirit. What does that mean Lord, for my right hand to shake like that?

I felt like You reached into me and dusted off my destiny and breathed new life into it. I remembered that dream I had last year about having an abortion and being ashamed. I feel like that baby was symbolic of a spiritual gift, calling, or maybe even the God-given destiny I’d given up on...  I felt like You had breathed life into that premature infant after it died. Did You resurrect something in me today, Lord, after it was dead over a year?

I know that I felt like the prophetic gifting in me died after I left VA. The shame I’ve felt since leaving VA and the program was the same as that in the dream- intense...Yet, I can’t deny You spoke to that dead place inside me and revived it. What should I do, Lord? 

You touched me today, Father, in an intimate and powerful way, but to what end? Help me to come back to You, Lord. I’m the prodigal daughter and I’m wandering aimlessly.  I’m lost and I can’t find my way back home.  Help me find my way back to You, Lord.  Give me the faith to believe I don’t have to seek solace in marijuana, alcohol, t.v., lust, and books.  Help me to stop isolating and to get plugged into church. Help me, Lord. Please give me a clue as to what direction I need to head in to get back on the right path.

You started something in me today, Lord; and, I pray you complete the work You have begun in me. Forgive me my many sins, Lord, and help me to truly repent.  Help me to turn away from my sins and overcome this obsessive and powerful urge to run and hide from reality. 

I don’t know what You did today, Father, but I felt like a missing limb has been reattached.  For a brief two hours I felt almost normal again. For a few wonderful minutes I wasn’t lost in that continual state of ambivalence and bitterness. I wasn’t hating myself and feeling the crushing heartache of loneliness in that moment of respite. For a few precious minutes I was free of the chains that bind me, and it was glorious.  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You for blessing me that way.

Help me to find my way back home to You again.  Help me to stay and hide in the secret place in Your shadow, Lord Almighty. Help me to get back to normal, where I’m not handicapped and paralyzed by the bonds of my own sin and fears. Help me Lord Jesus!