Heartache

The daily rain is upon us again; it washes away the mundane, leaving me with the thoughts I try so futilely to ignore.  Here I am again. I’m drunk so I don’t have to think about what a failure I am; and I am stoned so I can slightly relax. Thunder vibrates in the distance and I wish I was back in Christiansburg with my family. The rain pours down in a peaceful melody, flooding my mind with a deluge of memories.  My heart beats rhythmically, dancing in time to the drumming heartache.  My hand moves to cover my chest, for each time my heart beats I feel as if it may rip in two. Tha-wump... “I-hurt”…Tha-wump… “I’m-alone”…Tha-wump, tha-wump. “I ruined my life”… Tha-wump.  Sometimes I’m lucky and my heart skips a beat.

I sleep only when I can stay awake no longer; or when the lure of sweet, mind-numbing unconsciousness draws me into fitful slumber.  I awake after dreams of aimlessly wandering nowhere and running from…something as yet unidentified.  Some mornings I cry when I awake to realize this really is my life, and not the dream it so frequently feels like. I can’t accept my life here.

I bury my head in books and movies, vicariously living the adventures I fear I may never have.  Where is that teenager who fought grown men in martial arts tournaments? Where is the girl who white-water rafted and loved each minute? Where is the girl who roller-bladed through life?  Where is the girl who bullied the bullies?   Where is the girl who found her soul and her salvation only in Him?  Where has that lively and vivacious woman-child gone?  Who is this distant and cynical woman I’ve become?

Have another beer.  Smoke another bowl. You haven’t found the answers here. Try again. Maybe this time. At least your brain is foggy. You don’t have  to think about it…

I’m tired.  I’m lonely.  Hope evades me. Lust invades me.  I crave intimacy, relationship, and value.   I want to return to my family in Christ. I’m alone here….Help me, somehow, Lord.